Moving Location

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                                                                                                          B.R.

Rabbit Proof Fence

Recently my cousin put me on to the movie "Rabbit Proof Fence" which is based on the true story of 3 young Aboriginal girls.  The story is set in 1930s Western Australia at a time when the "half-caste" or mulatto children were taken from their mothers care and sent 1000 plus miles away to a camp where they were to be trained to be indentured servants.  The main fear was that the "half-caste" children and the full breed Aborigines would eventually wipe out the white race so the government decided to take such measures to preserve the white race by keeping  the blood lines as pure as possible.  Yet another case in history where the darker hued people were taken advantage of and forced to be slaves by those lacking melanin.  The 3 main characters are 2 sisters, Molly and Daisy, who along with their cousin, Gracie, were taken from their mothers and sent to Moore River Native Settlement camp.  The girls decide to run away from the camp and head home to their mothers and all that they know and love.  The movie chronicles their journey.

Here's the kicker... This crap happened for about 100 years and to my knowledge has never been taught in any history class in the US.  How is that even possible?  Why was this covered up?  I have to say I'm appalled and disgusted that this happened and then everyone pretends like it didnt.

I won't spoil the movie but I will say it was very interesting.  I definitely recommend it.

Dating Outside Your Race

I read a lot of blogs and other stuff on the internet and lately I have been running across the topic of Interracial Dating more and more.  Some are for it, some are against it and some are indifferent.  Honestly I could care less as long as the people in the relationship are happy with each other.  I've had some experience with interracial dating (although some would not count dating Spanish people as interracial dating since they, like me, are brown).

*To be clear, I went to a boarding school on the smallish side in a major US city.  My graduating class was 38 which was the largest in awhile (I'm thinking double digit years but I dont know the exact number). 

My first real boyfriend was/is white.  For the purposes of this blog I'll call him Graf.  I was a freshman and he was a senior.  Graf was what many would call a Whigger; a white person who "acted" black.  Graf was a an emcee, graffiti artist and all around bad boy although he was one helluva baseball player and probably could have made a name for himself if he cared enough to keep his grades at a 2.0 so he'd be eligible AND was able to keep his temper under control enough not to severely damage his hand in a fight while he was on partial scholarship ( I think) to college.  Graf had the typical straw straight hair and blue eyes but honestly I didnt care that he was white; I just knew I liked him and he liked me, period.  We were off and on (mostly on) for the majority of that year.  We broke up before he graduated (cant remember why) and then in the fall when he was away at school he would call and write trying to get back with me.  I almost fell for it but I decided that situation wasnt gonna work for me since he was going to college upstate and I didnt live in the city where we went to school so we'd never see each other. 

My second boyfriend was also white; apparently I'm a sucker for blue eyes.  We'll call him Italian Stallion.  We started going out late in my sophmore year (around the time when I was on crutches due to a torn ACL).  It seems I spoke our relationship into existence.  Long before I had feelings for him I started calling him my husband ( I dont recall why) and it stuck.  He was/is the opposite of Graf;  basically a good dude.  I was a serious jock in high school (soccer, basketball, softball and a captain on our step team) not to mention an honor roll student so I really couldnt tell you when I found time to a) get to know a dude enough to develop feelings and  b) spend quality time with him, but I did.  We were together off and on (mostly on) until the summer after graduation.  We adored each other but I was somewhat of an asshole to him at various times throughout our relationship...he didnt deserve it and I can admit that.  It was me who decided that breaking up was best.  I was going to school down South and he was staying behind to go to school not far from the city where he was born and raised. 

My next few boyfriends were black except for the mutt who I refuse to go into detail about because he turned out to be a complete asshole.  I wont go into detail about those relationships here because the topic for the blog is interracial dating.  I've had a few Panamanians as well. 

The first one, we'll call WuTang.  WuTang looked black and you wouldnt know he was Panamanian until you met his family.  They all looked Spanish and his "Spanish accent" appeared when he got around them.  This relationship was not very significant and it didnt last long but one weird fact is he happened to be f*cking the chick who hooked us up.  I had no idea about them mainly because what kind of chick goes hard to hook up the dude she's splashing with any female, least of all a passing acquaintance?  But looking back she was a bit of a loose girl in those days so I probably should have been more inquisitive about their "friendship"  I was mistaken...not sure if they continued to do the deed while he and I were dealing but I will say that it didnt take me long to wise up and leave dude alone...he has ISSUES.  And of course he realized, too late, that he let a good one go and he tried to get back with me.  There's an incident, that happened about a year after we parted ways, where he called himself walking with me to my dorm while trying his best to talk his way back into my life.  I politely declined and he got really upset and started yelling and calling me all kinds of inappropriate names.  I decided not to give him any reaction and just walked away (which is the total opposite of my character) which made him even madder; looking back I probably should have been scared of his crazy ass but for whatever reason I wasnt.  Then I heard that he was talking sh*t about me to some people not knowing whom he was talking to.  Let's just say WuTang almost got his gold tooth knocked out because he was talking bad about me to one of my "brothers." (The moral of this story fellas: do not talk trash about a female around people you dont know because you never know who she knows and/or how protective people are of her).

Next up was yet another Panamanian whom I'll call Flame Thrower.  FT and I linked up because our circles intertwined; we knew a lot of the same people even though he was three years older than me.  One would never know he was Spanish until you either saw him flashing the Panamanian flag or interacting with his blood relatives, many of whom spoke primarily Spanish.  Ours was an on-again-off-again love affair that lasted the better part of 10 years.  Most of the relationship was long distance.  It was great in the beginning but time mixed with the distance basically killed it.  I wont put him completely on blast but the straw that broke the camels back on this one was some REALLY foul shit he did.  Beyond the fact that at one time he was my best friend, I did learn a lot about relationships in general from this dude.  I'm just gonna leave it at that.

As you can see I've dated my fair share of dudes outside my race.  I dont see a problem with interracial dating but for some reason I always feel a little weird about a black/white interracial couple; I know this doesnt make sense considering I was in 2 of said relationships.  Its not for me to judge anyone elses relationship; I always hope that the couple (no matter the race of either partner) is in it for love first.  I believe there's a soulmate out there for every one of us and for some the soulmate could very well be of another race or color.

What say you readers?  Have you ever dated anyone outside of your race?  How long did the relationship last?  If you havent already, would you ever date another race?  Do you know of someone who has dated outside their race and had a good experience?  Or a bad experience that scarred them for life and made them decide to never date anyone of that particular race again?

Would You Have Dealings with the Ex of Someone Close to You?

Throughout my life I've had my share of female friends.  My girls and I have always had this unwritten rule where we didnt mess with each others ex's, dudes who the homegirl smashed, or dudes the homegirl really liked.  Now, if there was a dude we all considered FINE but there was no one claiming to actually dig dude then he was fair game.  I can't remember when this started for me but it continues on well into my adult years although some dudes and chicks I know view this scenario differently now that we are older.

Personally I couldnt see dealing with a dude that someone I am close to used to deal with regardless of how long ago their dealings were or how long the dealings lasted.  But I know some females who feel like the fact that dude splashed their cousin or best friend back in the deal does not make them off limits now, 10 plus years later.  Call me crazy but I dont want anyones sloppy seconds and I dont want any of my girls to have first hand experience regarding how capable my current S.O., or J.O. were/are in the bedroom, etc.  The past needs to stay in the past and having dealings with a friends or family members past is def not leaving the past where it should be.

Recently I had a conversation with a female very close to me and she was telling me that there is a dude that she went to college with who smashed like 60-70% of her crew over a 2 year period.  That's very disturbing to me, I mean they all knew that dude had smashed more than one of their girls when they became his next conquest.  Maybe I'm weird but that just doesnt sound appealing to me at all..."Yeah, I know you splashed Mary, Diana, and Nancy, but I want to get down with the get down so lets get it on."  GTFOH with that!!!!!  Apparently after the 1st homegirl get hers and bragged to the click how good dude was some of the other girls decided they wanted to test the waters for themselves.  Case in point why you should never give details to anyone, least of all your "friends" about the bedroom habits of a female/male you are dealing with.  Some people are grimy as hell and the green-eyed-monster will cause them to want get a taste of what you been bragging about.

Right now a similar situation is possibly brewing on ABC's Private Practice.  Addison is best friends with Naomi while Naomi is Sam's ex-wife.  Addison has a history of cheating; she cheated on her now-ex-husband while they were still married; and with his best friend no less yeah she's a dirty trollop.  She has since moved past that and is trying to live a better life.  Addison and Sam have kissed on a few occasions, usually around the time that one or both of them are stressed out about something.  At first, it seemed the story line wasnt going anywhere but last week they kissed and Sam wanted to take it further but Addison grew a conscience and decided that she didnt want to be the cheater anymore; she values the relationship she has with her best friend more than exploring the chemistry between herself and Sam.  Sam is pissed now and wont talk to her unless its work related.  Clearly, his feelings are hurt, but such is life...we dont always get what we want. But then Addison runs to Pete (whom she confides in when she's having man troubles and with whom it seemed she was going to have a thing with in season One but she couldnt get past his playboy ways) and ends up having sex with him even though they both admit they are in love with co-workers (Sam for Addison and Violet for Pete; Violet is another Dr on the show and also the mother of Pete's son).

I have to say I agree with Addison on the first scenario.  I value my friendship with my bestie way more than a relationship that may or may not work out with her ex-significant other. But then I give her a big fat fail for boning Pete...its hypocritical to an extent but hey, thats just my opinion.

So what say you?  Have you ever dated or sexed a friend or family members ex? If you have, how did it work out?  If you havent, would you?  Chime in and share your thoughts.

August 4th

2010 Calendar Zine August
Originally uploaded by teleflux
This is directed to the people I know who wonder why I'm kinda weird and distant in the beginning of August....



August 4th is always a weird day for me. It usually sneaks up on me but when I realize what day it is I get emotional, or at least I used to; I'm less and less visibly emo as every year passes.


In the summer 2001, just before I began my Senior year in college, I was working a sweet summer job as a Summer Service Ambassador for Continental at Newark Airport. We bid on our positions a bit differently than regular Continental employees in that we got seniority from our SSN. So of course your girl was lucky enough to have a pretty early pick and I chose to work with the Unaccompanied Minors. I absolutely loved working with the kids and we usually got to eat for free when we had a bunch of kids with unexpected layovers add to that the fact that I flew domestically for under $20 roundtrip and you can tell why I enjoyed this job so much.


Well on August 4th of that year, which was a Saturday, I worked my 10-6pm shift like normal and then proceeded to take the bus home. I got home somewhere around 7ish and started to unwind from my day. About an hour later my doorbell was ringing (which was unusual because no one ever stopped by without calling first and we werent expecting anyone). I was the one with the most clothes on so I proceeded downstairs to find that the neighbors on the 1st and 2nd floor had also been disturbed by their doorbells ringing. When I reached the main entrance I was greeted by the glum face of Ms. Morning. Ms. Morning was the former girlfriend of my father (we'll call him AB3). She proceeded to tell me that AB3 had had a heart attack and passed away that day. Of course, I immediately broke down crying.


AB3 and I had a great relationship when I was growing up. He and my mom were not able to stay together as a couple but he was always present in my life; he transported me to and from school until I started taking the bus in the 4th grade and I was with him every other weekend, not to mention the road trips to NY, Boston, DC and SC to see family. He was def a strong presence in my life and I have to say that the only real "daddy issue" I have stems from the fact that he is not alive and well today. As I grew older we started to bump heads because we are a lot alike in that we are both very outspoken and detest when people try to force us or prevent us from doing anything.


The last time I saw AB3 we argued, it wasnt a knock down drag out but it was an argument nonetheless. The last we spoke we had made peace from our previous argument and I was actually supposed to go see him on the 5th when I got off of work. While standing on my stoop hugging and crying Ms. Morning told me that she had to use some detective work to track me down to give me the news; apparently one of my aunts remembered the name of my street and another remembered my house number (we hadnt been living at this spot for very long) so she hopped in her car and found her way to me. She didnt know which apartment we lived in hence why she rang all 3 doorbells. The story gets deeper in that my two younger brothers (who have a different mother than I) were spending the weekend with my dad the weekend he passed away. They were 13 and 9 so you can imagine how traumatic the experience was for them. The older one, J, called 911 and summoned the ambulance. The EMT's were able to revive AB3 in the ambulance on the way to the hospital and the ER staff revived him once again but his heart was weak and they were unable to bring him back a 3rd time.


Through our ups and downs I was always a Daddy's Girl (spoiled beyond belief but I was a good kid and I deserved everything I got). The drama that surrounded his passing, handling his memorial and dealing with crazy family members was probably one of the worst experiences of my life. I did get through it but there's a part of me that died when he died. His absence was terribly obvious when I missed him at graduation when I got my Bachelors, and subsequently Masters. Though I think of him all year round, Fathers Day, August 4th and his birthday, October 28th, are always kinda weird days for me. I dont cry anymore but I'm very nostalgic in remembering the good times that we shared. I love my Daddy and I miss him.


In 2004, I was living in FL working my first real 9-5. The job was cool and the money was decent so I really had nothing to complain about. During the first quarter of that year I lived with my grandparents. One afternoon in April I received a phone call from my older brothes mother. My older brother, we'll call him Nomad, was adopted by my dad and his first wife long before I was even thought of. Nomad, lived with me and my parents for a time when I was very young. He was 13 years older than me so the age difference kept us from being very close until I got older. I dont recall the exact details on how Nomad and I reconnected but we were building a solid brother/sister relationship and he did attend my college graduation in 2002. We road tripped it back north in the U-Haul I rented to transport all my worldly possessions back to NJ. I dropped him off in Baltimore at his "friends" house. You see, Nomad was gay. Its not something that was talked about much amongst the family, especially not to me seeing as how my entire family goes out of their way to "protect the babygirl" from EVERYTHING that isnt roses and sugar cookies.But I digress... I loved and accepted him regardless of his sexual orientation/preference; he was my brother, plain and simple.


Back to the phone call from Nomad's mom. She called me to tell me that Nomad was in the DC prison system and he was in the jail's hospital. They would not give her any information and she wanted me to call and see if I could make any headway. Well, I called and was able to get someone to tell me that he had been diagnosed with AIDS Dementia (I'm almost 100% sure they gave me the info and not his mom because Nomad and I share the same last name). The woman I spoke with explained the visiting hours and what I had to do to get on his list as well as get the visitors pass to go see him. You see I did know he had AIDS (which I found out when I was a Juniorr in college, years after he had contracted the virus, because he had a bad episode and Drs werent sure he would pull through so the fam HAD to tell me) but I wasnt sure how far the disease had progressed. The story I got of how he ended up in the DC prison system was something about him sticking up an elderly woman; I never got the full deets on that one but it really doesnt matter why he was there. I was concerned that he was in the DC jail system and possibly not getting the healthcare he needed. Well, I thought about it for a few days and decided to hop a plane to the DMV to go check on my older brother.


I had friends and family in the area so I didnt have to worry about where I would stay when I hit town. I flew in on Tuesday and the case worker made arrangements so I could see him every weekday that I was in town. I had to go to the main jail to get the pass (every day) and then travel to the hospital for my hour long visit. Seeing Nomad in his condition broke my heart. He was very frail (he was always on the skinny side but this was beyond skinny) and the dementia was evident because I could tell he didnt know who I was. During my visits I would talk to him about AB3 and the few family gatherings we attended together. There were points where I believe the conversation sparked for him some recognition of who I was but overall he didnt talk much, just sat quietly and intently listening to me inserting a "Yeah" or "Umm Hmm" here and there. I called Nomad's mom daily and gave her updates on his status and overall well being. She was very grateful to me for going, getting info and sharing it.


The following Sunday I flew back to FL. Nomad's mom and I talked periodically and she eventually told me she was working on getting him a medical release from prison because the AIDS was taking its toll on his body and his remaining time was very limited. Sometime in mid-summer the medical release was granted and Nomad's mom moved him to a hospice type residential center in NJ. She and I spoke weekly and I got my updates on his mental and physical condition while trying to help her stay sane during this hard and trying time.


The calendar slipped to August and I realized perhaps, the day before, that the 4th was approaching. I had to work and figured work would be the best way for me not to dwell on the memories the day would bring to me. Shortly after I came back from my lunch break a got a call on my cell from Nomad's mother. When I answered and heard her speak I could tell immediately that she had a heavy heart and something was very wrong. She proceeded to tell me that Nomad had taken his last breath; she was at his bedside all day every day and she stepped outside to use her cell phone (the reception in the place was not good) and when she came back he was gone.  We cried on the phone together a bit and then I had my boss and a co-worker take me home because I was in no condition to drive.  Nomad's mother decided to have a memorial for him about a month after he passed away as she didnt feel a funeral was a good idea.  I flew to NJ for the memorial and it was lovely.  We all celebrated him and talked about the good times; it was a day of tears and laughter...


Damn August 4th!!!! And to top it off, Nomad's birthday is a few days after the 4th so basically the entire 1st week of August is a bit nostalgic and emotional for me. I usually get quiet and reflective around that time...As I said earlier, every year I'm less sad and concentrate moreso on the happy memories but it still sucks that my father and older brother are no longer with me. I miss them both dearly.

Things Men Should Do

This post is the first in a series that I will add to from time to time, when I think of something new for the list.  I hope you enjoy these little jewels I'm about to drop.

PAY ATTENTION TO THE SMALL THINGS

This is extremely important.  The small things let a woman know that you really care about her wants/needs.  Remembering her favorite flowers are daisies and bringing them to her just because, or bringing/making her favorite food when she is sick and shut in are examples of what I'm talking about here. The little things are in the details and the details are MAJOR.  Paying attention to the small things will get you points which will lead to the cookie and lots of it...TRUST.

OPEN DOORS

Every woman wants to feel like a lady when she is out with a man and having a man open doors for her helps that feeling along.  I'm talking opening the car door when she's getting in and upon entering buildings opening the door for her and allowing her to walk ahead of you (which also gives you time to admire her strut; we know you do this and usually add a lil extra because we know you're watching).  When a woman has doors opened for her it not only makes her feel all feminine and what not but it also makes her feel like the dude she's spending time with is somewhat of a gentleman and you def want her to think you are a gentlemen.  Why, you ask? Because it will make her trust and respect you more...which will lead to the cookie.

ASK HER HOW HER DAY WAS AND LISTEN TO THE ANSWER

Ladies love it when the men in their lives take an interest in how their day was, whether it was a good day or a bad one.  Be sincere when you ask and actually listen to what she says about her day.  You dont necessarily have to give feedback (unless she asks for it); sometimes just having someone listen helps.  Being the ear to listen will make her more at ease with you which (say it with me now) will lead to the cookie.

To be continued at a later date and time... 

Complicated Situation

As I was getting ready for work the other morning I was watching Vh1 Soul and the video for a song called "Dealing" by Eric Roberson featuring Lalah Hathaway came on (see video above). The song kind of reminds me of that Shirley Murdock song "As We Lay" in that its about being in a relationship with one person but desiring and carrying on a secret relationship with another person the twist in "Dealings" is that they are asking "Where do we go from here?  What do I do with these feelings?"  Meaning instead of sending this person back to their significant other I'm contemplating pursuing something more with this person.  Now I've never been in this situation per se because I'm not a cheater but I won't deny there has been some mutual attraction with someone who was not my significant other at the time. When there has been recognized mutual chemistry I have done the smart thing and just stayed away from the man at the other end of these affections.

But what if I had given in and indulged my carnal instincts, put my relationship to the side and just went for it? I can guarantee it probably would have felt good at the time but I would have been a guilty adulterous mess after the fact. And I find it hard to believe that if the attraction/chemistry is strong no one else will notice it; there has to be a magnetism in the air. In the video you can see the feelings between Eric and Lalah when they are singing the song but in real life; the way he looks at her while she's singing solo and then the way they look at each other while singing the duet. A lot of times no matter how cool the parties play it there's a certain familiarity or comfort observed when two people have or are sleeping together.  I can't say I blame the boyfriend for reacting the way he did; it was a knee-jerk reaction filled with emotion but I get it.  My beef would be with my significant other first but if the person they cheated on me with knew about me then Houston...we have a problem.

I'm a believer in being faithful and I enjoy being in a monogamous relationship so the idea of going so far as to violate my union and step out with another man is far fetched for me but I know not everyone has the will power I have (I guess that ties into me not wanting to hurt anyone and hence putting others before myself. See that blog here).  Do unto others as you would have them do unto you is a motto that I live by.  I would never want to inflict upon a significant other the pain and scars that result from being cheated on.

So what say you?  Have any of you ever cheated with someone and it grown into a full blown relationship?  Are you still with that person and if not how/why did it end?  Have you ever been cheated on and then your SO left you for the person they cheated with? 

The Healer Needs to Learn to Heal Thyself

girl in the glass mirror
Originally uploaded by LuLu Taylor
I recently took a trip to help one of my best friends celebrate her birthday. For the purposes of this blog we'll call her Sheek. There were a bunch of friends and fam who came from out of town to see Sheek but surprisingly we were able to find some alone time to talk. To be clear, Sheek and I haven't had as much quality time as either one of us would like since she became a wife and mother so we have grown to appreciate the time we do get to spend as a duo.


On more than one occasion during the weekend we found ourselves alone through no planning or manuevering of our own. The first time it happened I realized that I couldn't recall the last time it was just the two of us. What I love about Sheek is that she has always been a straight shooter, no sugar no chaser, but that quality isn't always good. She's catching herself a bit more in her approach to her loved ones so there's been a sort of filter slowly appearing over the last few years. She's found a way to say what needs to be said but in a less offensive but equally effective manner.


I confided in Sheek that the lack of direction and never ending question marks surrounding my life sometimes leaves me in a panic (though I usually keep a poker face in public its not always a pretty site when I'm alone). Sheek listened to my woes and offered some words of wisdom. She also pointed out that I spend a great deal of time worrying about and making sure other people are happy and taken care of and many times putting my wants and needs on the back burner; basically that I need to start checking for my own damn self. The funny thing is I never really looked at it from that perspective. I mean, I do recognize that I have a very big heart and I care way too much about other people (sometimes to my own detriment) but I always looked at it like if my loved ones are good then I'm good. Somewhere along the way I forgot to take care of me.


I've been thinking a lot about that conversation between Sheek and I every since and I believe she is right. I need to make the time and put in the effort to take better care of myself mentally, physically and emotionally and I've slowly started to do just that. 2009 was a different kind of year for me; there were some major changes made in my life and I lost some people closest to me (lost as in either cut off or got cut off). The changes were/are necessary for my growth and the loses, though they sting a bit, are probably for the best; their season in my life is up but it may come back around as this thing called life is funny.



New Years Resolutions are not my thing and I usually dont stick to them. I like to find the areas where change or improvement is needed and work towards making those changes when the epiphany hits me no matter the day, month, year, hour, minute or second. 2010 will no doubt bring more change as well as new endeavors for me. I'm looking forward to the time ahead of me...