The Healer Needs to Learn to Heal Thyself

girl in the glass mirror
Originally uploaded by LuLu Taylor
I recently took a trip to help one of my best friends celebrate her birthday. For the purposes of this blog we'll call her Sheek. There were a bunch of friends and fam who came from out of town to see Sheek but surprisingly we were able to find some alone time to talk. To be clear, Sheek and I haven't had as much quality time as either one of us would like since she became a wife and mother so we have grown to appreciate the time we do get to spend as a duo.


On more than one occasion during the weekend we found ourselves alone through no planning or manuevering of our own. The first time it happened I realized that I couldn't recall the last time it was just the two of us. What I love about Sheek is that she has always been a straight shooter, no sugar no chaser, but that quality isn't always good. She's catching herself a bit more in her approach to her loved ones so there's been a sort of filter slowly appearing over the last few years. She's found a way to say what needs to be said but in a less offensive but equally effective manner.


I confided in Sheek that the lack of direction and never ending question marks surrounding my life sometimes leaves me in a panic (though I usually keep a poker face in public its not always a pretty site when I'm alone). Sheek listened to my woes and offered some words of wisdom. She also pointed out that I spend a great deal of time worrying about and making sure other people are happy and taken care of and many times putting my wants and needs on the back burner; basically that I need to start checking for my own damn self. The funny thing is I never really looked at it from that perspective. I mean, I do recognize that I have a very big heart and I care way too much about other people (sometimes to my own detriment) but I always looked at it like if my loved ones are good then I'm good. Somewhere along the way I forgot to take care of me.


I've been thinking a lot about that conversation between Sheek and I every since and I believe she is right. I need to make the time and put in the effort to take better care of myself mentally, physically and emotionally and I've slowly started to do just that. 2009 was a different kind of year for me; there were some major changes made in my life and I lost some people closest to me (lost as in either cut off or got cut off). The changes were/are necessary for my growth and the loses, though they sting a bit, are probably for the best; their season in my life is up but it may come back around as this thing called life is funny.



New Years Resolutions are not my thing and I usually dont stick to them. I like to find the areas where change or improvement is needed and work towards making those changes when the epiphany hits me no matter the day, month, year, hour, minute or second. 2010 will no doubt bring more change as well as new endeavors for me. I'm looking forward to the time ahead of me...

Just a Weird Night

Boulevard Diner at Night in Worcester, MA
Originally uploaded by Brooklyn Bridge Baby
Bear with me, I'm trying to teach myself how to tell a good story in written form. I do pretty well in the verbal but the written needs a lil help.

When I first moved back home to NJ from FL I discovered that a good girlfriend from high school just so happens to live down the street from me (literally on the same street at the other end). We'll call her Ms. T (as I'm sure there will be mention of her in my blog in the future). Ms. T and I hadnt seen each other in a few years (we did ironically run into each other when I was living in FL and she was in the area doing a summer internship) so we were happy to see each other and I looked forward to hanging out when the opportunity arose.

Ms. T called me one Sunday evening between 8 and 9pm to see what I was up to. I, being the grandma that I am, was getting ready for bed. She told me she was headed to NY to go chill with an old friend and asked me to tag along to entertain his cousin. Now normally I do not do the wing man, tag-along-to-entertain-the-friend/cousin thing AT ALL but, since me and Ms. T go back like recliners I decided to do this solid for her just this once (I did let her know this aint my thing and its a one time deal). She said cool and told me she'd come scoop me up in about 15 minutes. I proceeded to get dressed and waited for her to call and tell me she was outside. The call came thru telling me she was outside and I grabbed my umbrella (it had been raining on and off all day) and left my house.

Her friend lives out in the suburbs somewhere so we had to take some weird way to NY that I'd never been before. He called while we were en route to ask what we were drinking on since all he had in the house was Henny. We asked him to get us the ingredients for some fruity ass girly drink and he agreed. The drive took us longer than expected to reach our destination partly because there was some traffic (it never ceases to amaze me that people cant drive in the rain) and partly because we got a little bit lost. Upon our arrival at his home, we realize ole boy is not there so she calls to find out his 20 (location for those that dont know). He says he's "around the corner" at the liquor store trying to get what we asked for. We said ok cool, hurry back. He casually mentions that his cousin is not with him and isnt answering the phone. Immediately I get pissed because now I want to know why I am there. I could have stayed home and fallen asleep watching TV instead of feeling like the 5th wheel hanging with these two. Here is the start of my foul mood. Now, Ole Boy being the gentleman that he is, says something to the effect of "Its cool, we can just hang out at the crib, the 3 of us and watch a movie while we drink." I really wasnt cool with the idea but since we were so far from home I decided to just roll with it.

So we wait for Ole Boy to come back from the store "around the corner." A ridiculous amount of time passes (I hate waiting on people so anything over 10 mins is a ridiculous amount of time in my eyes) and Ms. T calls Ole Boy back. She asked him what was taking him so long and he said the liquor store he went to first didnt have what we asked for so he went to a 2nd location "in the hood" to get what we requested. From what she told me "the hood" was mad far from his house. So naturally my mood gets worse. I wont tell you how long we ended up waiting for Ole Boy but I will say we were getting ready to pull off and head back to NJ when he finally pulled up.

When Ole Boy pulled up he jumped out of his car and ran up to the drivers side window of Ms. T's car; I guess he sensed we were getting ready to dip on that ass. Anyways, Ole Boy apologizes profusely for having us waiting for so long, and for not having his cousin in tow. Both Ms. T and myself were really not in the mood to chill anymore at that point so she told him we were gonna head out and she'd catch up with him another time. Ole Boy jumped in quickly and said I know you prob dont want to come in my house so why dont you let me take you to a bar "around the corner" to have a drink and adds that his other cousin will be there. Ms. T looked at me to make the decision. I told her it was on her since she was doing the driving. So we end up following Ole Boy to the bar. This bar was not around the corner; more like a 10 minute drive but hey, I'm about to drink for free so I cant complain.

We arrive at the bar and its kinda weird looking. I mean you cant even tell from the outside that its a bar and you have to ring the doorbell and wait for someone to let you in (a friend later told me that this prob means someone was killed and/or brutally assaulted at this establishment). Once we were ushered in by the "doorman" we had to SIGN IN...huh? I've never before in my life had to sign in at a bar so needless to say they got a fake name outta the kid. After everyone is all signed in we went to the end of the bar where Ole Boy's "cousin" is sitting with a few females shooting the shit. Ole Boy introduced me and Ms. T to Cuzo and we exchange pleasantries. Then Ole Boy asks us what we want to drink so he can order it for us. Ms. T and I ordered some fruity girlie drinks and took a seat at the bar to relax. As we sit down, we observed the conversation Cuzo is having about something random and we also notice this one particular female all in his shit, like almost groupie status hanging on his every word. Now dont get me wrong Cuzo is nice looking and all but I immediately knew he wasnt my cup of tea from the conversation he was carrying on (I cant remember the subject matter) so far be it from me to read more into the goings on. Ms. T and I enjoyed our drinks and joined in the conversation here and there.

By the time we finished our drinks, it was about 12:30 and of course I'm hungry. Ole Boy suggests that we go to the diner. At first Ms. T and I declined saying we were just gonna head home so Ole Boy and Cuzo walk us to the car. Me being the smartass I am I said something to Cuzo like "I hope you dont get in trouble with your girl for walking us to the car." He quickly replied that he doesnt have a girl so he's free to do whatever he wants. I gave him the side eye but said nothing more about it. Meanwhile Cuzo and Ole Boy are trying to persuade us to go with them to the diner and have breakfast before we head back to NJ. Again, we politely declined and got into her car. We were sitting there for a bit waiting for Ole Boy to give us directions back to the highway and we decided to take them up on the breakfast offer. Of course waiting on these dudes to round up the troops so we can head out takes forever.

We arrived at the diner and Cuzo was already sitting down at a table in the back. I noticed that Groupie Girl was sitting at the counter by herself. Ms. T and I headed to the bathroom before we went to the table. Upon arrival at the table I noticed there were 6 seats and five of us . Cuzo is sitting at the head of the table, Ole Boy is sitting to his right, the seat to the left of Cuzo is empty and some other Dude is sitting next to that empty seat. The seat at the other head of the table is empty and Ms. T took the seat to Ole Boys right. I start to sit in the seat between Cuzo and Dude when Cuzo stops me and says my homegirl is sitting there. I shrugged it off and went to sit at the other end of the table opposite of Cuzo.

Once I'm seated Groupie Girl comes and sits in the seat next to Cuzo. No biggie; Ms. T and I exchanged a knowing glance. Groupie Girl might not be his girl but we're pretty sure she's going home with him that night. Alas, I cant hate...at least somebody is getting some booty. So naturally random Dude starts chatting me up. Ole Boy forgot to introduce us so I introduced myself and we began some small talk, you know: where you from, where'd you go to school etc. During the conversation I realize that Dude is either high, drunk or a combination. At this point I was starting to get tired so I decided to use my pen and start coloring on my placemat. Dude asked me my name again and then asked if I was ok. I refreshed him on my name and I assured him I was. I never stopped talking to him I was just keeping myself occupied and awake by nultitasking. Then Dude said I'm making him nervous because only crazy people color their placemats. I think to myself "Oh really, you aint seen crazy muthafucker." But I kept my composure because Dude doesnt know me like that and I dont know him. I started to address the crazy comment but stopped myself mid-sentence; this is some random dude who I'm sure I'll never see again so why waste my energy and breathe.

Dude and I continued to talk and he asked me my name again. Now I get aggravated, I mean I know my name isnt the easiest to remember but there's no need to continue to ask me my name especially if you dont have to use it to engage in the conversation we are already having. So I flipped on Dude and said "Son, if you ask me my name one more time..." It caught Dude off guard and he said "Did you just call me son?" Ms. T looked at me with concern because she knows that when I start raising my voice and snapping at folks the fireworks are bound to start soon. I never lost my composure though. I just decided to ignore Dude for the rest of the evening and engaged in convo with Ms T. and Ole Boy.

Our food finally arrived and me being the observant person I am, noticed that Groupie Girl had ordered a lot of damn food. She's a skinny girl but I know there are some fat girls trapped in skinny girls bodies so I really didnt think anything of it until she commented that she wasnt really all that hungry but she wanted to taste the different foods she ordered. She had about 3 different plates in front of her and I just shook my head thinking we are in a recession and this broad just ordered $25 worth of food to taste?!?! Must be nice. After that I noticed that Groupie Girl was saying and doing things to get attention. I guess she hadnt realized she was already going home with Cuzo so there was no need to try to show off to entice him. Her showing off started to disgust me so I decided to ignore her altogether. So at that point I was ignoring half the damn table. Ole Boy and Cuzo were reminiscing on their high school days and the trouble they got into together so I allowed them to entertain me with their teenaged antics.

After we finished eating Ms. T and I decided to roll out since we had a bit of a ride back to Jerz. Needless to say Ole Boy was the only one who walked us to the car since Cuzo was engrossed in Groupie Girl and Dude had nothing left to say since I'd scared him off when I barked on him. Ole Boy was still apologizing about the original cousin being a no call, no show. I told him not to worry about it, the evening wasnt a bust just because his people didnt show up. Ms. T and I rode back to Jerz recapping the night and laughing about the diner events. It was just a weird night overall but hey, I got a good laugh (or 10) out of the experience so who am I to complain. I decided to just chalk the night up as one of those "WTF nights."

I Refuse to Buy Into This....

I am getting tired of the conversations this article about Helena Andrews and her idea that many successful black women are "lonely." First of all there is a difference between being lonely and being alone. Lonely is longing for a/some companion(s) and being alone is just not having a/some companion(s) and being okay with that. A person can actually be completely happy and content being alone; not everyone wants a companion, there are plenty of men and women out there who are content being single for the rest of their lives (or at least they feel that way right now) and there is nothing wrong with that. And contrary to what some believe, there are plenty of people in relationships who are lonely for various reasons. I am a true believer in the idea that you have to love yourself and be happy with you before you can love and be happy WITH someone else.

I am a single*, educated black woman. Call me an optimist, call me an eternal romantic, hell call me naive but I refuse to believe my soul mate is not out there. And I refuse to settle or lower my standards just so I can say I went on a date, have a significant other and/or am not alone. The way I look at it is this: if what you've been doing isnt working for you then you need to try something different. Date outside the race/nationality, move somewhere new, try a dating service, get friends to suggest/introduce you to a potential mate (afterall many times your friends know you better than you know yourself); just step outside your comfort zone and do something you wouldnt normally. You may feel naked and exposed but it just might be liberating and sometimes change is good. Yeah, many try to blame it all on the fact that its a numbers game but guess what: LIFE IS A NUMBERS GAME. You gotta play the hand you're dealt or become the dealer so you can control the hand you get.

There are many sides and opinions to this, I'm just giving my perspective of this article which I believe has some truths but is mostly a bunch of shenanigans.

*Not to put all my business on front street but I'm in a quasi-long distance relationship with someone I care very deeply for. We arent technically in a relationship (YET) so I still count myself in the single category...for now.

Appreciate the Honesty But...

I got a story to tell....I was reminded of this incident while having a conversation recently about the crazy things that have I've either experienced or witnessed.

This happened about two years ago but I still chuckle about it when it crosses my mind every now and then. I was living in FL at the time and my girls and I went out for a night on the town. We ventured to Ybor City because there's a spot there that has the best reggae on Friday nights. As an added bonus we got an invite, to a different spot, from some dudes we knew. We went to the place we usually frequent first and had a blast. After awhile we decided to walk on down to the other spot. Spot #2 is a bit of a hole in the wall but our homies were supposed to be "performing" there that night (they are dancers...and sadly not of the exotic variety).

We hit the hole in the wall anyways and proceed to make our rounds and try to decide where we were gonna post up. After we surveyed the 1st floor and didnt find it to our liking we decided to hit the roof level. There's a view of the 1st floor from the roof level so we were confident we wouldnt miss the performance. The DJ was killing the old school reggae and we were having a good time; drinking and dancing, etc. We saw our dudes perform and not long after that the club was shutting down. Now anyone who has ever been out knows what the "let out" (as they call it down south) looks like: a large mass of people either talking inside, waiting on line to get outside or waiting outside for that last ditch effort to get that girls number or possibly slide off with homeboy you just met.

When the lights came on we were still on the roof so we slowly started making our way downstairs. When we were almost to the bottom of the stairs this dude comes up and sparks up a conversation. Let me interrupt myself to explain dudes appearance: he was about 5'5 (which for some girls isnt an issue but when you stand 5'11 in bare feet like I do then this could present a bit of an issue as I do feel you need to be at least my height to ride this ride...I've made some exceptions to my height rule but there were other areas where shorty made up for this particular shortcoming - pun intended), he was built like his idol is Peter from Family Guy, he was dressed like a lame (jeans and a South Pole shirt or something equally as old and played out) and his looks left much to be desired. Now please dont pounce on me for being a bit superficial but I am a strong believer in always putting your best foot forward, especially when it comes to your appearance; I believe that the right outfit and care can step up your street value/appeal.

By no means am I one of those bourgeois women who wont talk to a person (man or woman) because they have a "less than superior" outward image so I proceeded to engage in chit chat with lil shawty even though I knew I had no intention of giving him any sort of contact info on me. He started with pleasantries like, whats your name and did you enjoy your evening. I think I gave him a nickname because my name is hard for many people to pronounce and I didnt feel like saying it 5 times for him to understand and say it properly. Once I started talking he recognized by my accent that I was def not a Southern girl (nothing wrong with southern girls, I just am not one of them). So he asked me where I'm from. I told him Jersey and said something along the lines of he'd never been there but he'd been to NY blah, blah, blah. This is where the story gets interesting. Lil shawty asked if he could see me again sometime. I paused for a few seconds to gather my words because I didnt want to be rude and I did want to spare his feelings but I felt the need to be honest and tell him I wasnt interested. Many guys do not know how to take rejection and begin to spew all kinds of names at a female if she doesnt reciprocate the attraction/interest so I was trying to find the right words to let lil shawty down nice and easy. Before I could decide on my word choice he interrupts my train of thought and says "Listen, I just wanna f*ck." Now at this point the gloves come off. Honestly, I showed a great deal of restraint because my girls can tell you, they were expecting me to knock his damn teeth outta his mouth for coming at me like that. To be clear, I was not then, nor have I ever gone to the club dressed like a prostitute so I was thoroughly perplexed as to what would make him think it was ok for him to come at me that way (and actually think he was gonna get a favorable response). My reflexes kicked in and I started to curse him out but I decided to take the high road just a bit and told him he didnt have a chance in hell and my girls and I got the hell outta dodge. No need to wait around to give him the opportunity to say something else equally or more rude, dumb, offensive (I could go on and on but you get the point).

My girls and I talked this over on the drive home and we all agreed that dude was extremely out of line. We also agreed that if that's gonna be your m.o. then you have to be absolutely on point with your total package. I'm talking Boris Kodjoe, Will Smith, Morris Chestnut fine with the body, clothes etc to match. I'm not saying it would have changed my reaction but I am saying he would have had a better chance of getting it from some lady of the night.

Moral of the story: appearance is everything; a lot of times it will get you farther than you even know and I'm talking about all aspects of life. So always put your best foot forward.

AND

Honesty is a great quality, one I appreciate very much BUT dont ever come at me like that unless your my man or someone I been splashing for a lil minute.