The Healer Needs to Learn to Heal Thyself

girl in the glass mirror
Originally uploaded by LuLu Taylor
I recently took a trip to help one of my best friends celebrate her birthday. For the purposes of this blog we'll call her Sheek. There were a bunch of friends and fam who came from out of town to see Sheek but surprisingly we were able to find some alone time to talk. To be clear, Sheek and I haven't had as much quality time as either one of us would like since she became a wife and mother so we have grown to appreciate the time we do get to spend as a duo.


On more than one occasion during the weekend we found ourselves alone through no planning or manuevering of our own. The first time it happened I realized that I couldn't recall the last time it was just the two of us. What I love about Sheek is that she has always been a straight shooter, no sugar no chaser, but that quality isn't always good. She's catching herself a bit more in her approach to her loved ones so there's been a sort of filter slowly appearing over the last few years. She's found a way to say what needs to be said but in a less offensive but equally effective manner.


I confided in Sheek that the lack of direction and never ending question marks surrounding my life sometimes leaves me in a panic (though I usually keep a poker face in public its not always a pretty site when I'm alone). Sheek listened to my woes and offered some words of wisdom. She also pointed out that I spend a great deal of time worrying about and making sure other people are happy and taken care of and many times putting my wants and needs on the back burner; basically that I need to start checking for my own damn self. The funny thing is I never really looked at it from that perspective. I mean, I do recognize that I have a very big heart and I care way too much about other people (sometimes to my own detriment) but I always looked at it like if my loved ones are good then I'm good. Somewhere along the way I forgot to take care of me.


I've been thinking a lot about that conversation between Sheek and I every since and I believe she is right. I need to make the time and put in the effort to take better care of myself mentally, physically and emotionally and I've slowly started to do just that. 2009 was a different kind of year for me; there were some major changes made in my life and I lost some people closest to me (lost as in either cut off or got cut off). The changes were/are necessary for my growth and the loses, though they sting a bit, are probably for the best; their season in my life is up but it may come back around as this thing called life is funny.



New Years Resolutions are not my thing and I usually dont stick to them. I like to find the areas where change or improvement is needed and work towards making those changes when the epiphany hits me no matter the day, month, year, hour, minute or second. 2010 will no doubt bring more change as well as new endeavors for me. I'm looking forward to the time ahead of me...

Just a Weird Night

Boulevard Diner at Night in Worcester, MA
Originally uploaded by Brooklyn Bridge Baby
Bear with me, I'm trying to teach myself how to tell a good story in written form. I do pretty well in the verbal but the written needs a lil help.

When I first moved back home to NJ from FL I discovered that a good girlfriend from high school just so happens to live down the street from me (literally on the same street at the other end). We'll call her Ms. T (as I'm sure there will be mention of her in my blog in the future). Ms. T and I hadnt seen each other in a few years (we did ironically run into each other when I was living in FL and she was in the area doing a summer internship) so we were happy to see each other and I looked forward to hanging out when the opportunity arose.

Ms. T called me one Sunday evening between 8 and 9pm to see what I was up to. I, being the grandma that I am, was getting ready for bed. She told me she was headed to NY to go chill with an old friend and asked me to tag along to entertain his cousin. Now normally I do not do the wing man, tag-along-to-entertain-the-friend/cousin thing AT ALL but, since me and Ms. T go back like recliners I decided to do this solid for her just this once (I did let her know this aint my thing and its a one time deal). She said cool and told me she'd come scoop me up in about 15 minutes. I proceeded to get dressed and waited for her to call and tell me she was outside. The call came thru telling me she was outside and I grabbed my umbrella (it had been raining on and off all day) and left my house.

Her friend lives out in the suburbs somewhere so we had to take some weird way to NY that I'd never been before. He called while we were en route to ask what we were drinking on since all he had in the house was Henny. We asked him to get us the ingredients for some fruity ass girly drink and he agreed. The drive took us longer than expected to reach our destination partly because there was some traffic (it never ceases to amaze me that people cant drive in the rain) and partly because we got a little bit lost. Upon our arrival at his home, we realize ole boy is not there so she calls to find out his 20 (location for those that dont know). He says he's "around the corner" at the liquor store trying to get what we asked for. We said ok cool, hurry back. He casually mentions that his cousin is not with him and isnt answering the phone. Immediately I get pissed because now I want to know why I am there. I could have stayed home and fallen asleep watching TV instead of feeling like the 5th wheel hanging with these two. Here is the start of my foul mood. Now, Ole Boy being the gentleman that he is, says something to the effect of "Its cool, we can just hang out at the crib, the 3 of us and watch a movie while we drink." I really wasnt cool with the idea but since we were so far from home I decided to just roll with it.

So we wait for Ole Boy to come back from the store "around the corner." A ridiculous amount of time passes (I hate waiting on people so anything over 10 mins is a ridiculous amount of time in my eyes) and Ms. T calls Ole Boy back. She asked him what was taking him so long and he said the liquor store he went to first didnt have what we asked for so he went to a 2nd location "in the hood" to get what we requested. From what she told me "the hood" was mad far from his house. So naturally my mood gets worse. I wont tell you how long we ended up waiting for Ole Boy but I will say we were getting ready to pull off and head back to NJ when he finally pulled up.

When Ole Boy pulled up he jumped out of his car and ran up to the drivers side window of Ms. T's car; I guess he sensed we were getting ready to dip on that ass. Anyways, Ole Boy apologizes profusely for having us waiting for so long, and for not having his cousin in tow. Both Ms. T and myself were really not in the mood to chill anymore at that point so she told him we were gonna head out and she'd catch up with him another time. Ole Boy jumped in quickly and said I know you prob dont want to come in my house so why dont you let me take you to a bar "around the corner" to have a drink and adds that his other cousin will be there. Ms. T looked at me to make the decision. I told her it was on her since she was doing the driving. So we end up following Ole Boy to the bar. This bar was not around the corner; more like a 10 minute drive but hey, I'm about to drink for free so I cant complain.

We arrive at the bar and its kinda weird looking. I mean you cant even tell from the outside that its a bar and you have to ring the doorbell and wait for someone to let you in (a friend later told me that this prob means someone was killed and/or brutally assaulted at this establishment). Once we were ushered in by the "doorman" we had to SIGN IN...huh? I've never before in my life had to sign in at a bar so needless to say they got a fake name outta the kid. After everyone is all signed in we went to the end of the bar where Ole Boy's "cousin" is sitting with a few females shooting the shit. Ole Boy introduced me and Ms. T to Cuzo and we exchange pleasantries. Then Ole Boy asks us what we want to drink so he can order it for us. Ms. T and I ordered some fruity girlie drinks and took a seat at the bar to relax. As we sit down, we observed the conversation Cuzo is having about something random and we also notice this one particular female all in his shit, like almost groupie status hanging on his every word. Now dont get me wrong Cuzo is nice looking and all but I immediately knew he wasnt my cup of tea from the conversation he was carrying on (I cant remember the subject matter) so far be it from me to read more into the goings on. Ms. T and I enjoyed our drinks and joined in the conversation here and there.

By the time we finished our drinks, it was about 12:30 and of course I'm hungry. Ole Boy suggests that we go to the diner. At first Ms. T and I declined saying we were just gonna head home so Ole Boy and Cuzo walk us to the car. Me being the smartass I am I said something to Cuzo like "I hope you dont get in trouble with your girl for walking us to the car." He quickly replied that he doesnt have a girl so he's free to do whatever he wants. I gave him the side eye but said nothing more about it. Meanwhile Cuzo and Ole Boy are trying to persuade us to go with them to the diner and have breakfast before we head back to NJ. Again, we politely declined and got into her car. We were sitting there for a bit waiting for Ole Boy to give us directions back to the highway and we decided to take them up on the breakfast offer. Of course waiting on these dudes to round up the troops so we can head out takes forever.

We arrived at the diner and Cuzo was already sitting down at a table in the back. I noticed that Groupie Girl was sitting at the counter by herself. Ms. T and I headed to the bathroom before we went to the table. Upon arrival at the table I noticed there were 6 seats and five of us . Cuzo is sitting at the head of the table, Ole Boy is sitting to his right, the seat to the left of Cuzo is empty and some other Dude is sitting next to that empty seat. The seat at the other head of the table is empty and Ms. T took the seat to Ole Boys right. I start to sit in the seat between Cuzo and Dude when Cuzo stops me and says my homegirl is sitting there. I shrugged it off and went to sit at the other end of the table opposite of Cuzo.

Once I'm seated Groupie Girl comes and sits in the seat next to Cuzo. No biggie; Ms. T and I exchanged a knowing glance. Groupie Girl might not be his girl but we're pretty sure she's going home with him that night. Alas, I cant hate...at least somebody is getting some booty. So naturally random Dude starts chatting me up. Ole Boy forgot to introduce us so I introduced myself and we began some small talk, you know: where you from, where'd you go to school etc. During the conversation I realize that Dude is either high, drunk or a combination. At this point I was starting to get tired so I decided to use my pen and start coloring on my placemat. Dude asked me my name again and then asked if I was ok. I refreshed him on my name and I assured him I was. I never stopped talking to him I was just keeping myself occupied and awake by nultitasking. Then Dude said I'm making him nervous because only crazy people color their placemats. I think to myself "Oh really, you aint seen crazy muthafucker." But I kept my composure because Dude doesnt know me like that and I dont know him. I started to address the crazy comment but stopped myself mid-sentence; this is some random dude who I'm sure I'll never see again so why waste my energy and breathe.

Dude and I continued to talk and he asked me my name again. Now I get aggravated, I mean I know my name isnt the easiest to remember but there's no need to continue to ask me my name especially if you dont have to use it to engage in the conversation we are already having. So I flipped on Dude and said "Son, if you ask me my name one more time..." It caught Dude off guard and he said "Did you just call me son?" Ms. T looked at me with concern because she knows that when I start raising my voice and snapping at folks the fireworks are bound to start soon. I never lost my composure though. I just decided to ignore Dude for the rest of the evening and engaged in convo with Ms T. and Ole Boy.

Our food finally arrived and me being the observant person I am, noticed that Groupie Girl had ordered a lot of damn food. She's a skinny girl but I know there are some fat girls trapped in skinny girls bodies so I really didnt think anything of it until she commented that she wasnt really all that hungry but she wanted to taste the different foods she ordered. She had about 3 different plates in front of her and I just shook my head thinking we are in a recession and this broad just ordered $25 worth of food to taste?!?! Must be nice. After that I noticed that Groupie Girl was saying and doing things to get attention. I guess she hadnt realized she was already going home with Cuzo so there was no need to try to show off to entice him. Her showing off started to disgust me so I decided to ignore her altogether. So at that point I was ignoring half the damn table. Ole Boy and Cuzo were reminiscing on their high school days and the trouble they got into together so I allowed them to entertain me with their teenaged antics.

After we finished eating Ms. T and I decided to roll out since we had a bit of a ride back to Jerz. Needless to say Ole Boy was the only one who walked us to the car since Cuzo was engrossed in Groupie Girl and Dude had nothing left to say since I'd scared him off when I barked on him. Ole Boy was still apologizing about the original cousin being a no call, no show. I told him not to worry about it, the evening wasnt a bust just because his people didnt show up. Ms. T and I rode back to Jerz recapping the night and laughing about the diner events. It was just a weird night overall but hey, I got a good laugh (or 10) out of the experience so who am I to complain. I decided to just chalk the night up as one of those "WTF nights."

I Refuse to Buy Into This....

I am getting tired of the conversations this article about Helena Andrews and her idea that many successful black women are "lonely." First of all there is a difference between being lonely and being alone. Lonely is longing for a/some companion(s) and being alone is just not having a/some companion(s) and being okay with that. A person can actually be completely happy and content being alone; not everyone wants a companion, there are plenty of men and women out there who are content being single for the rest of their lives (or at least they feel that way right now) and there is nothing wrong with that. And contrary to what some believe, there are plenty of people in relationships who are lonely for various reasons. I am a true believer in the idea that you have to love yourself and be happy with you before you can love and be happy WITH someone else.

I am a single*, educated black woman. Call me an optimist, call me an eternal romantic, hell call me naive but I refuse to believe my soul mate is not out there. And I refuse to settle or lower my standards just so I can say I went on a date, have a significant other and/or am not alone. The way I look at it is this: if what you've been doing isnt working for you then you need to try something different. Date outside the race/nationality, move somewhere new, try a dating service, get friends to suggest/introduce you to a potential mate (afterall many times your friends know you better than you know yourself); just step outside your comfort zone and do something you wouldnt normally. You may feel naked and exposed but it just might be liberating and sometimes change is good. Yeah, many try to blame it all on the fact that its a numbers game but guess what: LIFE IS A NUMBERS GAME. You gotta play the hand you're dealt or become the dealer so you can control the hand you get.

There are many sides and opinions to this, I'm just giving my perspective of this article which I believe has some truths but is mostly a bunch of shenanigans.

*Not to put all my business on front street but I'm in a quasi-long distance relationship with someone I care very deeply for. We arent technically in a relationship (YET) so I still count myself in the single category...for now.

Appreciate the Honesty But...

I got a story to tell....I was reminded of this incident while having a conversation recently about the crazy things that have I've either experienced or witnessed.

This happened about two years ago but I still chuckle about it when it crosses my mind every now and then. I was living in FL at the time and my girls and I went out for a night on the town. We ventured to Ybor City because there's a spot there that has the best reggae on Friday nights. As an added bonus we got an invite, to a different spot, from some dudes we knew. We went to the place we usually frequent first and had a blast. After awhile we decided to walk on down to the other spot. Spot #2 is a bit of a hole in the wall but our homies were supposed to be "performing" there that night (they are dancers...and sadly not of the exotic variety).

We hit the hole in the wall anyways and proceed to make our rounds and try to decide where we were gonna post up. After we surveyed the 1st floor and didnt find it to our liking we decided to hit the roof level. There's a view of the 1st floor from the roof level so we were confident we wouldnt miss the performance. The DJ was killing the old school reggae and we were having a good time; drinking and dancing, etc. We saw our dudes perform and not long after that the club was shutting down. Now anyone who has ever been out knows what the "let out" (as they call it down south) looks like: a large mass of people either talking inside, waiting on line to get outside or waiting outside for that last ditch effort to get that girls number or possibly slide off with homeboy you just met.

When the lights came on we were still on the roof so we slowly started making our way downstairs. When we were almost to the bottom of the stairs this dude comes up and sparks up a conversation. Let me interrupt myself to explain dudes appearance: he was about 5'5 (which for some girls isnt an issue but when you stand 5'11 in bare feet like I do then this could present a bit of an issue as I do feel you need to be at least my height to ride this ride...I've made some exceptions to my height rule but there were other areas where shorty made up for this particular shortcoming - pun intended), he was built like his idol is Peter from Family Guy, he was dressed like a lame (jeans and a South Pole shirt or something equally as old and played out) and his looks left much to be desired. Now please dont pounce on me for being a bit superficial but I am a strong believer in always putting your best foot forward, especially when it comes to your appearance; I believe that the right outfit and care can step up your street value/appeal.

By no means am I one of those bourgeois women who wont talk to a person (man or woman) because they have a "less than superior" outward image so I proceeded to engage in chit chat with lil shawty even though I knew I had no intention of giving him any sort of contact info on me. He started with pleasantries like, whats your name and did you enjoy your evening. I think I gave him a nickname because my name is hard for many people to pronounce and I didnt feel like saying it 5 times for him to understand and say it properly. Once I started talking he recognized by my accent that I was def not a Southern girl (nothing wrong with southern girls, I just am not one of them). So he asked me where I'm from. I told him Jersey and said something along the lines of he'd never been there but he'd been to NY blah, blah, blah. This is where the story gets interesting. Lil shawty asked if he could see me again sometime. I paused for a few seconds to gather my words because I didnt want to be rude and I did want to spare his feelings but I felt the need to be honest and tell him I wasnt interested. Many guys do not know how to take rejection and begin to spew all kinds of names at a female if she doesnt reciprocate the attraction/interest so I was trying to find the right words to let lil shawty down nice and easy. Before I could decide on my word choice he interrupts my train of thought and says "Listen, I just wanna f*ck." Now at this point the gloves come off. Honestly, I showed a great deal of restraint because my girls can tell you, they were expecting me to knock his damn teeth outta his mouth for coming at me like that. To be clear, I was not then, nor have I ever gone to the club dressed like a prostitute so I was thoroughly perplexed as to what would make him think it was ok for him to come at me that way (and actually think he was gonna get a favorable response). My reflexes kicked in and I started to curse him out but I decided to take the high road just a bit and told him he didnt have a chance in hell and my girls and I got the hell outta dodge. No need to wait around to give him the opportunity to say something else equally or more rude, dumb, offensive (I could go on and on but you get the point).

My girls and I talked this over on the drive home and we all agreed that dude was extremely out of line. We also agreed that if that's gonna be your m.o. then you have to be absolutely on point with your total package. I'm talking Boris Kodjoe, Will Smith, Morris Chestnut fine with the body, clothes etc to match. I'm not saying it would have changed my reaction but I am saying he would have had a better chance of getting it from some lady of the night.

Moral of the story: appearance is everything; a lot of times it will get you farther than you even know and I'm talking about all aspects of life. So always put your best foot forward.

AND

Honesty is a great quality, one I appreciate very much BUT dont ever come at me like that unless your my man or someone I been splashing for a lil minute.

Slow down

Swee Teik & Mei Ying's Wedding Day
Originally uploaded by ~fly~ 飞(Busy)

Ok, I'm sure I'm not the only one who's noticed that men and women have switched roles regarding their views on relationships/marriage over the last 10 yrs or so. It used to be that the men wanted to play the field, many times unbeknownst to their girlfriends and/or wives, until they were ready to be monogamous (which sometimes never made it to the agenda until late in the game) and the women just wanted to settle down with one man, get married and have kids immediately. Nowadays many women are more career driven and sexually empowered so they spend more time working and treating dating as nothing more than a distraction from the stress of their demanding jobs and a lot of men are looking to find Mrs. Right, marry her and have the "American Dream" of the white house with the picket fence, 2.5 kids and a dog. Honestly, with the divorce rate being so high these days, I have to wonder when marriage stopped being a sacred union between 2 people who love each other and started being a business arrangement, a way to avoid child support, or the cure to boredom.
I have close friends who are married, living with their significant other, in a monogamous relationship with someone or single. We all are trying to figure this love/relationship out no matter what stage we are in. My married friends say the union is hard work (which I believe) but they believe the effort is truly worth it. The live-ins work just as hard as the married folks but its "easier" for them to walk away from the situation because they are not legally bound but they are emotionally and calendarically (you like that made up word dont you) invested, not to mention they've grown accustomed to having someone around, so they try to stick it out as well. Come to think of it I dont have many friends who have a boyfriend/girlfriend that they arent living with but the ones I know are generally blissful in their relationships but not sure if they are ready to take the plunge to live together and/or get married. Us single folk who are either playing the field or have put ourselves on the day-to-day injured reserve list (like myself) are just trying to meet a/some people who arent clingy, borderline stalkers or too aloof and unfeeling to the point where its a turn off and we dont want to be bothered.
As I've stated before, I'm a Libra and I crave balance in all aspects of my life...especially something as time consuming as a relationship. I am a fan of compromise but I dont want a yes-man; I'm looking for a man who can bend but at times puts his foot down and lets me know I cant have my way ALL the time. Bottom line: healthy relationships consist of communication, compromise and good old fashion hard work and dedication to your significant other. Slow and steady is the way people...no need to jump out the window on day 2 professing your undying love for someone you just met (which is the beginning of a stream of unhealthy actions). If this person is your soulmate, other half or whatever you wanna call it, you may know it on day 2 and thats cool but if its really real their status and your affection wont change so no need to rush. If its meant to be, they aint going anywhere.

Missed it...I believe

Adult Superstore
Originally uploaded by mag1c3y3

I think I missed my calling. Counseling others on their various life and relationship issues is probably what I should be getting paid to do since I find myself doing it waaaaaayyyy too much. For whatever reason, various friends and family members always seem to find their way to me when they need advice. I guess that makes me a good listener and problem solver. It amazes me that I can listen and look at anothers situation and know the right thing to say to help them think more clearly/rationally about whatever woe(s) they are facing but I cant do the same for myself. I took a poll and apparently I appear to have my ish together (if yall only knew that soooo aint the case).
Going back to school is really not something I even consider as an option; I got all the schooling I planned to get before I got my first real 9-5 job. Honestly, I'm not interested in going back to school to pursue a degree in Psychology or Psychiatry for that matter; I've diagnosed myself with A.D.D. as I do have a hard time staying attentive especially in a lecture setting. So whats a girl to do? I guess for now I will continue to dispense my personal brand of advice/clarity/shoulder-to-cry-on/etc until I either get tired or figure out another, more monetarily beneficial, way to do what I seem to be pretty damn good at.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T - what it means to me

Respect
Originally uploaded by Dinastoria

What does the word respect mean to you? I like to think I treat people the way I want to be treated but I know that's not always the case. You see, a lot of times the level of and manner of respect I have for a person is gauged by the way we were introduced, the way said person carries themselves and the way they treat me and others. Normally if I'm introduced to someone by another person who speaks highly of or talks down about them there is a certain expectation I have due to the reputation that has preceded said person. I do take the time to form my own conclusions but if I hear nothing but good things or a slew of negative things it tends to taint my perception even before I meet the person, especially if I value the source of the information.
Regardless of how I meet a person I always watch and observe their actions, mannerisms and assess their character through actions and words; I am an avid people watcher. Those who know me well can tell you that I absolutely detest fake people; I'm a fan of consistency so if you don't like a person or thing don't pretend you do to appease the masses. Just be true to you and if others don't agree and cant take it then to hell with them....but I digress so let me get back on track. Another pet peeve of mine is when people conduct themselves with a holier-than-thou aire about them. I cant stand for a person to talk down to me or others; I could care less what your status is...we are all equal and on the same level in my eyes. A lot of times I either end up telling these type of people about themselves or I limit/end dealings with them because I refuse to be around that kind of energy because it aggravates me to no end.
I'm a big fan of treating people the way I want to be treated. Any respect or courtesy one receives beyond that is earned through conversation and interaction. And it bothers me a great deal when I see those I care about being disrespected, especially when they are generally respectful of the people they are being disrespected by (something happened recently but I wont speak on it to protect the innocent and refrain from blacking out on the guilty). I'm a fan of keeping the peace but my boiling point is just beyond the border of disrespect, no matter how subtle or blatant.
People in general want to be respected....some would rather be feared but I believe respect gets you further in life. I'm just saying...

Take Advantage of Today Cuz Tomorrow Aint Promised

Mmmm orange life savers...
Originally uploaded by *M-C1*

Last week a close friend had a massive stroke. This is a 32 year old man of average height and weight and from what the Doctors have told his family most people would not have survived this stroke. In talking to my mom about this, we agreed that his lifestyle prob had a lot to do with him surviving. He's in the military so, physically fit, and he's a non-smoker. He does drink (not sure how much) and I'm not familiar with his eating habits so I dont know if these factors worked for or against him.
During the conversation, my mom said something interesting; that certain events are destined to happen in our lives and the impact and manner in which the events(s) take place is determined by the lifestyle we are leading at the time it happens. My mom is a former drug addict and she recounted a story to me of a fall she took when I was approx 5 yrs old. She has a scar on her chin from getting a butterfly bandage at the hospital (not sure why they didnt stitch it up but we are talking 80's medicine in an urban area hospital). When the fall happened, she and I were alone in our apartment. She said she'd gotten up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and she felt dizzy and faint so she tried to get back to the bed but she missed and hit the floor. She'd been clean and sober for a few years when this happened but she told me she believed this is the type of injury she would have sustained in a car accident or some other way; that it was destined to happen. See my mom has expressed to me that she believes I saved her life. Its because she got pregnant with me that she stopped drinking and doing drugs. Doctors told her she would never be able to get pregnant, let alone carry a child to term so she kinda looks at me as her miracle baby. If I had not been here when the fall happened she probably would have been out drinking and drugging and the injury would have been the result of a car crash, a fist fight or some other heinous event.
This belief ties into my quote: "The events of your life are predestined but you still need to take advantage of every opportunity." I do believe that everything that is happens to, for and through us is set before we are even born. I also believe that we have to be ready to receive the lessons and blessings to get the full impact. Sometimes if we arent ready the first time its because we didnt pay attention to the signs that would lead us to the understanding so we have to go through the event again at a later date and time when we are more willing and ready to accept whats being offered. There are times when I dont understand why I'm going through a hardship or other situation but I do know that its all in preparation for something better to come. Its been said that sometimes God takes things away from us to free our hands for something better. We usually dont recognize it at the time but as long as we continue to have faith and be thankful it will all eventually make sense.
Going back to my friend who had the stroke...maybe this is his wake up call to change some things in his life whether it be where he lives, what he does for a living, who he surrounds himself with. But overall I hope his survival has made him more grateful and appreciative of this precious gift called life. At some point or another in our lives we all take the tomorrows and laters for granted. We need to remember that tomorrow is not promised so live each day to the fullest and never have any regrets for the shoulda, woulda, couldas. Find your purpose in life and spread joy and happiness everyday.

Don't fall victim to the HYPE

My Heart Is Filled....
Originally uploaded by janoid

I don't know what got me thinking about this but I just need to say Valentine's Day is a bunch of bull!!! Its a holiday cultivated by the companies that see large profits from it. Do not allow yourselves to be brainwashed by the commercials, ads and media attention. We all need to stop feeding into that crap, especially the ladies. Its not healthy for your significant other to feel they have to show and prove their love on this particular day just because its what everyone else is doing. I say show me you love me on any regular day out the year. It will feel more genuine that way and it will be much more appreciated. No person, event or entity outside your relationship should ever be allowed to dictate any aspect of your union, Period. Create your own traditions and holidays with your significant other. Bottom line...if you love someone, show and tell them often, not just once a year. Express your love in your own time and in your own way. FUCK a Valentine's Day!!!!

Fake It Til I Make It?

I had a conversation a few weeks ago with my cousin. She just had her first child and I was asking her who she'd chosen as godmother. She started off by saying that she takes the godmother role very seriously; its not just a cute title in her eyes. The she proceeded to tell me that she wanted to chose me but she recognizes that I have a plan for my life and she didnt think being godmother to her daughter would fit into my plan. I had to stop and ask her what did she mean by that. She explained that from her point of view I have a calculated step-by-step plan to do certain things in my life. I had to laugh at that because that is the furthest thing from the truth; I've gotten caught up in living life and paying bills and somehow pushed my dreams to the back burner. There is no detailed plan to get me from one step to the next because honestly, I dont know what the next step is. Lately I have been wrestling with my self trying to decide what exactly I want to do with my life. I'm good at so many things (and horribly at so many others) and I'm not sure how to channel that into making a living doing something that I enjoy and that doesnt feel like work. There are many things I want to try but not sure how to get started and there are other things I think I want to do but I'm scared to death of failure or looking like a fool(which I know is the wrong way to look at or go into a situation...I'm working on changing the way I think).
There have been some major changes in my life over the last few months, the biggest being me moving back home to my moms house in NJ from FL. Florida represents my independence; its the place where I got my first apartment and got my first real job. I knew moving back in with my moms was going to be a challenge because I havent lived in the house with her since I was 12 and I've lived alone for the last 5 yrs or so. It has been a humbling experience to say the least. To be perfectly honest, living at home makes me feel I have taken a step back in my adulthood; for the most part this is my own shit playing out in my head. I'm a perfectly capable, almost-29 year old who at one time knew exactly what I was doing, what I wanted and had no problem taking care of myself. And then I got laid off...and part of me feels like I still havent recovered from that devastating blow. I will say though, that being laid off prompted me to start on this journey to figure out what career I want to pursue and the kind of life I want to lead. A little over two years later my always-longing-for-balance ass is still trying to figure it all out. I know that I'm probably harder on myself than I should be but I guess I feel I must hold myself to high expectations because if I dont then no one else will. So I'm gonna keep pushing through these thoughts, emotions and events until I figure it all out. In the meantime, I guess I'll continue to make it look good even though I didnt realize I was hiding my inner battle from others so well...

"I wear it well on my Libra scales"

libra scales tattoo
Originally uploaded by boggirldl

With my birthday fast approaching I've been thinking a lot about my sign (I'm a Libra) and the many meanings of scales. See, most people automatically think about the scales of balance which is appropriate. The Lady Justice, the symbol prevalent in many court houses across this country, holds the scale in her left hand and it is supposed to measure the merits for and against a case being tried in the court. Being a balance-seeking-Libra myself, I am often able to see both sides of an argument. There are times when I have trouble making decisions and there are times when I can see the other side of an argument but have no trouble making a decision to stand on a particular side of the line. Trust me, seeking balance is a gift and a curse because I have spent a lot of time trying to compromise and make everyone happy. The older I get the more I realize that I need to worry more about making myself happy and less about making other people happy at the expense of my own feelings; I aim to balance myself first and foremost.
One of the most important things in my life is music; I fell in love with music at a young age and can remember knowing all the words to songs I had no business knowing anything about i.e. Anita Baker and Sade tunes as well as various other artists. I joined the choir in the 4th grade and continued with if for a few years. I also learned how to play the recorder (a requirement for music class way back when) and for a brief period I took up playing the Baritone ( a disturbingly large instrument that I detested lugging around). In undertaking music, I learned the scales as I learned to read music. For those of you who dont know, a scale is the range of high to low notes in a melody or harmony. Me being the Libra I am, I prefer to stay at the median of the scale but there are times when my buttons are pushed and I am forced to the higher end of the scale, having to raise my voice and otherwise get ignorant with people. In my younger days I was what some would call loud because I felt that was the only way to be heard but I've since learned there are quieter ways to command attention and have my voice heard. My trips to the lower portion of the scale usually come when I am tired or not feeling too well.
Another type of scale to take into account can be found on the bodies of many species of fish and some insects. The purpose for these scales is to provide a layer of protection. I know everyone has a story and almost all of us have been through at least one crazy thing or another but I do know that I had to develop my own layer of protection when I went to boarding school in the 7th grade. Until that point, I had led a pretty sheltered life, having gone to strictly the best private and catholic schools and never really having to interact with anyone my family and caretakers deemed inappropriate. Looking back I realized I had a lot of haters when I started boarding school because I got good grades, played sports and all the teachers, houseparents, etc loved me. I was a good kid (yeah, I waited until I was in college to go mouthing off to everyone). I was called names, teased about everything from my "high butt," talking "like a white/valley girl," and even getting good grades, which was all new to me. At first my feelings were hurt but I learned to continue to do my thing and tune out those who had something negative to say; something that has definitely come in handy as I've gotten older. My past has shaped who I am today and will continue to be in my future.
Although I don't interpret it verbatim and to the letter, I do believe in astrology and the idea that people born under the same sign have some of the same personality/character traits. Some of my best friends are Libra's that I've known more than half my life; we are similar in some ways and very different in others. I think the differences have a lot to do with whom and how we were raised. Regardless, I love being a Libra and I believe the Scales make the world a better place bringing a helpful hint of balance to this otherwise chaotic world we live in.

A little tidbit

Never ask a loved one to choose between you and a hobby, talent, career, etc. One of you will end up hurt and resentful. Be supportive and compromise. See if you can be a part of it; become more involved; it's a great way to get more time with them and you get to see their face light up while they are doing what they love. Encouragement and support are the key and if you can't then maybe you need to move on..